Even though this is a landscape resource, every now and then I come across an article that I think would be helpful to everybody even though it is not related to landscape. So, the following article is a reprint from JP Horizons Inc., P. O. Box 2039, Painesville, OH 44077, regarding the differences between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness. I think that it is especially appropriate given the political divides that exists in our country right now regardless of which side of the spectrum you are on. So, read and enjoy… I think you might learn something!
WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND
Learning the delicate balance of communicating our thoughts and feelings without stepping on the toes of others can be both a challenge and a tremendous asset if developed with care. It is the subtle distinctions between being assertive or aggressive, passive or pushy that pave the way to great personal and professional relationships.
Have you ever dealt with people that seem to get what they want while gathering the support and resources of everyone around them? They seem to know how to communicate their needs in a way that causes others to cooperate willingly. They are able to express their thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a direct, honest and non-threatening way that shows they have respect for themselves and others. They are generally looking for a win/win solution in any situation and even if you don’t agree with what they are saying or asking for, you can still admire the level of confidence and assertiveness they use.
You have also undoubtedly encountered others that can arouse resentment and defensiveness in an instant with a single aggressive statement. An aggressive person is more apt to put their own wants, needs and rights above those of others, and is prone to allow selfish motives to drive them across the line of courtesy and respect. Where an assertive individual looks for ways to clearly make their point while allowing both parties to choose and move forward, an aggressive person is very satisfied with a win/lose scenario just so they are the winner and are getting the results they want.
A third type of individual to consider is the nonassertive person that passively allows others to violate their rights of expression and puts out a clear message of inferiority. This type of individual lacks the self-respect to communicate their thoughts and needs and will very often settle for a lose/win scenario, opting to be the victim over putting themselves on the line to handle an upset or a conflicting opinion.
Whether it is in communicating with a spouse, child, employee, associate or friend, assertiveness can serve as the vehicle for positive results. When we each realize we have the right to our own values, beliefs, opinions and needs, and the right to express them in a positive and appropriate way, relationships flourish.
Tufts University suggests using “I” messages for positive, assertive communication. An “I” message is a good way to let people know what you are thinking. It is made up of three parts.
- Behavior - what it is, exactly, that the other person has done or is doing?
- Effect - what is happening because of their behavior?
- Feelings - what effect does their behavior have on your feelings?
By using this kind of message, you are giving another person complete information, leaving no room for second guessing or doubt.
An example: “When you come late to the meeting (behavior) I feel angry (feelings) because we have to repeat information the rest of us heard (effect).”
This is much more productive and assertive than simply ignoring the problem or just expressing your anger or frustration.
The words you choose often determine if you are giving an assertive response or an aggressive one.
Use factual descriptions instead of judgments.
Compare the following:
“This is sloppy work.” (Aggressive)
“The pages in this report are out of order.” (Assertive)
Avoid exaggerations.
Compare the following:
“You never are on time!” (Aggressive)
“You were 15 minutes late today. That’s the third time this week.” (Assertive)
Use “I” not “You.”
Compare the following:
“You always interrupt my stories!” (Aggressive)
“I would like to tell my story without being interrupted.” (Assertive)
Express thoughts, feelings, and opinions reflecting ownership.
Compare the following:
“He makes me angry.” (Denies ownership of feelings)
“I get angry when he breaks his promises.” (Assertive and owns feelings)
The words you choose often determine if you are giving an assertive response or an aggressive one.
Use factual descriptions instead of judgments.
Compare the following:
“This is sloppy work.” (Aggressive)
“The pages in this report are out of order.” (Assertive)
Avoid exaggerations.
Compare the following:
“You never are on time!” (Aggressive)
“You were 15 minutes late today. That’s the third time this week.” (Assertive)
Use “I” not “You.”
Compare the following:
“You always interrupt my stories!” (Aggressive)
“I would like to tell my story without being interrupted.” (Assertive)
Express thoughts, feelings, and opinions reflecting ownership.
Compare the following:
“He makes me angry.” (Denies ownership of feelings)
“I get angry when he breaks his promises.” (Assertive and owns feelings)
HOW TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE
Assertiveness is more than the words you use. If you are hoping to become more assertive, become aware of your nonverbal cues such as voice tone, facial expressions, eye contact, and posture. If your body language says, “I am confident and I have something important to say,” others will listen and you will have an impact. Remember that exercising assertiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you are the one in control, but you are an active participant in the discussion, willing to both state your view and listen to others.